Summertime Sadness
by the shadow of the guillotine
Summary: Anna Ruby, a wealthy ‘old money’ debutante, is immediately enamored with Nick Carraway. His heart is somewhere else though. Will she find love this summer, or will disappointment, and even a hint of death, come to her life?
1. I Did Not Live Until Today

"Anna, it must be love! You wouldn't even miss Gatsby's party for us?" Lily knocked at my door. I was hurrying around, preparing to go to another of Mr. Gatsby's parties. No one knew who he was. He evaded all our prying eyes and ridiculous theories skillfully, and remained shrouded in mystery. His parties, though, attracted almost all of New York as we would crowd to his doorstep amidst the laughter, music, dancing, flamboyance, and chaos. I didn't know why, but I always found myself at his mansion, dressed in my best clothing, and taking in the spectacle. Rumors went around everywhere. He was a spy, a murderer, he didn't exist, but nobody really deeply cared. They came for the extravagance, and would dance the night away and party, often ending up drunk, and lying in the living room as confetti came from the ceiling and the servante swept away leftover banquets, some of the salads still fresh, some of the beef still warm. I would sit somewhere higher up usually, and sip bubbling champagne out of long stemmed flutes as the orchestra dramatically presented each piece, and the crowd cheered. Most of the time, the swimming pool would be filled, and couples would dance together in the tight crowd, so that no one could tell apart each other, and everyone was in a way, intimate. He had a library as well, with walls stocked full of fascinating volumes. I kept on promising myself that I would one day read one, but the party always attracted me back, and I would slip into the crowd as well. I would glace at the fireworks for they never failed to amaze me, and secretly relish the shower of sparkles. I pretended that the elaborate intricacy was dull to me, but I knew that no matter how high ranking I was in society, I'd always be stunned. For I see the velvety sky and hear the music and see the people and feel as if that was full, vivacious life, even though I knew that it could never be. I still lost myself and danced till the hour was late, not knowing I was moving, just letting the splendor posses me. It was unhealthy, but I loved roaming the corners of mystery and climbing up a snowy mountain to reach the light, which I always found when I could just feel alive. The clock drew graceful movements as its arms moved quickly in circles, but we defied time. At last, when I had to leave, I would swipe another champagne flute, and drive away. Then, I would creep up my stairs, extinguish all my candles, (yes, I still used them for their beauty) and lie down on my soft, feathery mattress with swan feathered pillows with my eyes closed as I rewinded the party over and over until sleep came to me.  
"For the last time, I'm not in love!" I shouted to her. Of course, there were many charming characters at Gatsby's mansion, but none of them interested me. Of course, we would occasionally exchange a glance, a smile, but nothing went further beyond that. Of course, they kissed my hand when we were introduced, but that was just manners. I wasn't expecting to find love at a party. I just wanted to enjoy myself.  
I was preparing to do the same tonight. I slipped on my golden black dress, covered with beaded fringe and glittered like the golden stars in a starry night. I wore simple pastel stockings, and a pair of sliver high heels with black leather straps. I had already curled my milky brown hair into short, fashionable curls, and I had draped a diamond studded headband across my hair. My jewelry consisted of pearl earrings and a long, layered pearl necklace. I also sprayed on my peach, rose, and vanilla perfume in a rose gold prism flask. I came from a wealthy family, and I had inherited part of our fortune. The truth is, I was 'old money'. I realized how every frequenter at Gatsby's parties were 'new money', but I never understood our rivalry, and ignored this difference. I had a substantial amount of money, and therefore my wardrobe was stocked with trends, my room was furnished with ornaments, and my whole two story house was filled with oil paintings, flower sculptures, and bookshelves. Electricity existed, but I only had a small light in every room, and lit up my hall and stairs with old fashioned and romantic candles. In my room hung a diamond studded mirror with a decoration of pearls and sapphires. My bed had a red velvet canopy with golden fringes, like in classic paintings, and on my dresser there was a rose in a thin, tall glass of water and an elegant notepad with an almost completely used pen. It had not been changed in years. I used to write all the time, but ever since my pen almost ran out of ink, I had stopped. It seemed silly to me, but I still never changed.  
I had grown used to my appearance. My hair was waist length, with no highlights. It had a faint glow, and the milky brown usually appeared lighter in the light. My eyes were cerulean and wide, with small lashes, and my lips were like ripening peaches in summer. I'd never been praised for my appearance before, and my features weren't very dramatic, though.  
"Anna? Don't tell me you're going to the party!" This time, Lily opened the door and burst in.  
"I've been waiting for such a long time! Let's compromise. You can go, but you'll have to take me. I'll have to meet your fiancé before you marry!" I rolled my eyes at her, and sighed.  
"Alright, you can come! You'd better get ready soon, though. I want you to see how beautiful it is when all those shimmering outfits and faces in the crowd hurry in in a colorful swarm." I quickly put on some black laced gloves, and grabbed my fan as I left the room.


	2. In My Life

"Excuse me, Anna!" As soon as we stepped out of the car, Lily rushed out and flew through the doors, escaping my sight. I glanced around at the glistening lights flowing from the windows in shades of gold and amber and crispy orange, like the silky leaves of fall dancing in the wind. Every room had an irresistible charm as if beckoning from the abyss of desire, and called to me with musical melodies. Beside me, cars rushed in all bright and dark colors, and people stepped out, forming a scintillating wave that swept into the mansion. In front of the entrance there was a huge fountain, projecting streams and crystals of waterdrops, pure and fresh. The trees and the lawn were kept very organized. All shades of green flourished, creating a little forest, and the lawn was neatly trimmed. Partygoers were arriving from all directions, and I decided to go in before it got too crowded. I was pushed in against my will, and as I escaped the tight space, I breathed a sigh of relief. I rushed up the marble stairs, coated with thick layers of glitter and confetti, and found an empty chair.

"Anna, I demand to see Mr. Gatsby this very instant!" Lily pointed all around with a playful smile.

"I thought we went over this in the car! No one knows who he is!" She forced her smile into a frown.

"But aren't you in love?" She asked me in a low voice.

"This is what it's about?" I sighed. "Lily, remember our deal? You don't ask me about this for the whole evening, and I'll lend you my feather boa?"

"You're no fun, Anna! Who cares about deals?" She casually flung aside her hand.

"I do. Also, you're not getting the boa anytime soon." She stared at me blankly.

"Well, there's always next time!" She prepared to leave, then gave me a plate of turkey. "I'm very generous, right?" She skipped off into the distance.

I ate some of the turkey, then rose to get more food. I balanced a mint julep with more ice than the actual drink, along with a plate with mashed potatoes, pig sausages, and a small salad with breadcrumbs. I couldn't resist the desserts, so before I ate, I had a small lemon cake. The taste was sweet but melancholy, unlike pure sugar. It was meticulously crafted, with little frosting figures and shapes, and even lemon bits inside.

The music was still blasting into the night, and I stared at the explosion of fireworks. As they drew to a close and debris scattered all over the floor, the crowd cheered, the marble floor was filled with trash, and I shouted along with the partygoers, lost in the endless beauty. That moment, all the boundaries between old money and new money were lost.

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my mother gave me some advice I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

"Marry only those who are equal to you. Only charming men with large inheritances or from hardworking families, in other words, our kind, will suit you. Don't run off with an unreliable suitor with no stable financial foundation!"

After that piece of advice, I was swept into the world, and from then I frequented small parties. I used to vie with the other girls from a second of attention from any of the officers. I used to swoon, giggle, flirt freely. I would gaze with all my abilities alluringly, hoping for a kiss that some fortunate girls stole. But there was always Daisy Fay, the golden girl. She was the most popular among all of us, with her glossly and wavy golden hair, and exciting eyes that captured everyone's hearts. Her voice was a delighted, feminine twinkle, and she danced with the grace of water nymphes. I remember one night, when she had worn one of her best dresses, of a pale peach shade. Diamonds encrusted the top, and the sash was silky and soft. The skirt was made to flow, and it did. As she wove effortlessly through the watching eyes, she was like a butterfly, so close yet out of reach to all the officers. For everyone could tell that she had eyes for only one. They exchanged a meaningful glance, and as Daisy skipped up the stairs with her exquisite flower, he pursued her. When they came back down, they were chattering like they had been together their whole life, and a new fire was alight in both their eyes. When the party ended, my mother was waiting at the door, with our sleek and ebony car. The inside was coated with scarlet velvet. Far from relaxing, I shrank in fear at my mother's anger.

"Anna Ruby, you ungrateful child! I gave you a chance, and you let Daisy take that wealthy officer right under your nose! You are a disgrace to this family! Don't you want to have a stable life?" She shook my shoulders. I glanced helplessly around, but our driver was looking forward with a scared expression.

"I'm sorry, mother." Instead of shouting more, she surprisingly remained silent. And our social life remained silent. She refused to take me to any parties, socialize with anyone, not even my friends. When I finally came to East Egg, she told me over the phone her advice one more time.

Struck with sudden impulse, I went to find Lily and I grabbed her arm.

"Wish me luck." I then marched away, up the stairs, wandering aimlessly through the party. I recognized a familiar face, and peeled over my shoulder.

"Jordan Baker? You're Jordan Baker? The famous golfer?" I located a woman with short dark hair in a bob, a black sequin dress, and a veiled headband.

"Yes. And you?" She seemed to show no interest to my greeting, and merely yawned and looked away.

"Anna Ruby." I was very shy, especially among the famous.

She moved aside to reveal a flustered young man.

"Anna Ruby? Nick Carraway."


	3. A Heart Full Of Love

She moved aside and revealed him.

"A pleasure to meet you, mademoiselle." He seemed a little nervous and hesitant, yet glowing with radiance. I couldn't speak as he uttered the few words. He smiled with the pensive melancholy that wisdom brings, yet the naive hope of fresh prospects, and seemed to know the darkness and truth and corruption of society, yet implored it to spare the lives it so greedily crushed. His eyes had an excitement and beauty that could see your soul and promised to adore- adore? My thoughts broke off. What was happening? My heart was racing, I was filled with jubilation, and I couldn't look away or do anything else. I was paralyzed? But I knew the truth.

"I'm Anna Ruby. I don't always go to parties. Wait, I do and I enjoy them- but not really." I was cut off by his laugh that cloaked me with a gentle but not smothering warmth, a reassurance that I hadn't found in a long time. His voice was soft yet sincere and beckoned to me with youth and passion and compassion, promising that he held the world. Then, he kissed my hand.

I felt myself flutter as if I was on fire, and my soul was lit with a burning flame, a strong and intoxicating ardor. His lips against the back of my hand felt like they were on my lips, and I struggled to hold back my delight. Even though his lips were cold, they lit me and ensured that my heart had been taken forever.

When he pulled away, it felt like we had been in an embrace forever, not just a fleeting second. I took a close look at him.

His eyes were difficult to describe. They were a tinted shade of sky blue, with a gray glass panel put on top, then consistently smeared with shiny polish. They were dangerous and alluring, and I found myself falling all too fast.

"Enjoying the party?" He broke off the awkward silence by asking me.

"It's a swell party, and the music is exciting and the dances are amazing and the food is delicious." I blurted out like I was still a young girl with unbelievable dreams of love and marriage, instead of the desperate one I was now.

"It seems I was the only one invited." He held up an invitation signed Gatsby, and I was incredulous. I blushed, and looked down.

"Well, actually, I wasn't invited. I kind of just barged in." I knew that everyone came uninvited, but Nick Carraway suddenly made me care. I could tell that he was honest, and was kind. He could get even Gatsby, the elusive and rich party thrower, to trust him. He probably possessed unbiased judgement.

"It's incredible, the amount of people here!" He changed the subject.

"Gatsby is very popular. No one knows who he is." I grew a little more confident as we continued our conversation continued.

"He was a German spy during the war!" One man argued.

"No, he was the Kaiser's assassin!" Another provided another rumor.

"I heard he killed a man." Lily mysteriously slid across the room, whispering. I swore that she winked at me, seeing my dazed gaze at Nick.

"It was nice meeting you, Anna. Jordan says she knows Mr. Gatsby. We're trying to find him." He waved. I waved too. But I just put my hand in the air, forgetting to move it. When I remembered my mistake, I quickly moved it back and forth. He copied me, smiling still.

Then, the full force of the event came rushing to me. And I was sure of two things. I was in love with Nick Carraway.

But only on my own.

How did I think that I could compete with other flappers, celebrities, and extremely wealthy ladies? Jordan Baker, one of the most famous golfers, compared to Anna Ruby. The Ruby name was virtually unknown, perhaps stated in some obscure and dusty volume. We were both young, but she had talent and seductiveness. She could easily get anyone to marry her. She could marry him. Maybe she would be the first to kiss him. Before my lips actually brushed his. Or maybe they had kissed already.

I could imagine it, his arm around her slender waist, the two of them only seeing each other, with hearts full of love and thoughts filled with bliss.

After a few moments of waiting, I decided to follow him up the stairs. I closely tracked each of his steps, like an obsessive stalker. My eyes hungrily followed his every move, and I was injected with desire. But a figure moved in front of me.

"Anna! Him? He's taken! And, besides, he's one of the newcomers! I saw him looking out the window of his tiny house once!" She made a disappointed countenance at me.

"What did his house look like? Where did he live? Tell me all the details!" I murmured.

"Calm down, lovebird! He lives in the woody shadows of Gatsby's mansion, in a small two storied house with an overgrown lawn and small porch. That's all I can say! I was at the beach."

"In the shadows of Gatsby's mansion, you say…" In my eyes, he was even more treasured in my heart now. We both lived in the shadows while stars glowed elsewhere. Stars that we could never match up to. I wanted to go to his house, no matter how small. I wanted to dream, share my wishes with him. He would tell me his. With sheer restraint, I kept myself from finding him and demanding if he loved me. I had to remain a calm and composed lady. Never let them see what goes on in your head. Shakily, I smoothed my dress, and took a deep breath. Anna, your behavior is merely being creepy! He would not love you with Jordan. Even if she was gone, the chances would still not be very large. You can dream, but please, have some self control.

Please, let me talk to him again! Anna! Show yourself some care!

No, Anna.

Fine. I'll confess it. I love him. He loves Jordan. I love him. I completely love him. And I'll be damned to not show a hint of it.

A long pause.

You have five minutes.


	4. Pretending

I quickly located Nick Carraway from the crowd, and without noticing, smoothed my hair, flattened my dress, and blinked a few times then opened my eyes as wide as dewdrops. He spotted me, and waved.

"Hello again, Anna! You're welcome to join us!" His smile was airy and lofty, like a sun kissed cloud.

"I would love to, in a second." My cheeks turned cherry red, a shade of red that bordered magenta but still contained the shade of blood. I rushed, my heels clanking on the floor, to the bathroom. I took out a dark coral glossy lipstick, and smeared it over my mouth. I then replaced the diamond headband with a tight silver and feathered headdress.

I jumped back as Jordan came in, and brushed her short dark hair in front of the mirror.

"I remember you from our earlier encounter, Anna. You and Nick seem to have a special chemistry." She didn't appear jealous at all, yet had a hint of emotion.

"I take that you two have met before?" I didn't know what to say, and almost made no sound.

"We've met at his cousin Daisy's house. We are… in a relationship." She looked tentative, and I started getting hopeful. Then I realized something.

"Daisy… his cousin?" No, not the golden girl! Nick was shy, self reserved.., everything, yet I adored him. He couldn't be related to such proactive confidence like Daisy. I decided to probe a bit more.

"I've met Daisy before, at a party, I think. She was the most noticeable, and was immediately smitten with an officer. Of course, he was naturally infatuated with her. Are they married?"

"I think I know what you're talking about. I've seen the same officer too, with Daisy, in her car. But sadly, they aren't married. The war came, but he never came back. Daisy's heart was stolen by Tom Buchanan, and they married, madly in love. He was never faithful though. You could think that they had always been together, but only I know that on her wedding night, she was still waiting for her officer." She sighed, and looked wistful.

"Pay Daisy my dearest consolations," I hesitated, and continued, "do you know anything about Nick? Excuse me miss Baker, that was a shallow question. After all, you are in a relationship?"

"I don't know as much about him as I would like to. I just know that I have a penchant for him, and if I could, I would walk up and kiss him hard." She seemed to notice me, and quickly nodded. Then, she slipped away out of my sight, but not out of my mind. Nick's lips were turning especially tantalizing…

I scolded myself for unladylike behavior, and decided to find Nick. But first, I wiped him from my heart, and cleared every memory of him. I could start fresh. And soon, I would accompany him to every party. We could never be the most loved couple, but we would have each other.

"I had to quickly organize my things a bit." I said something vague to avoid further embarrassment.

"It's alright, Anna! Every second's filled with excitement!"

Just then, fireworks burst out from the sky again, as the orchestra burst out into a climax and the room trembled from music. The fireworks lit up the night with their sparks that outshone the stars. That signified that half the party was over already. Suddenly, I felt something cold on my cheek. A tear. I was crying. The tears came, quick and chilling, as I just looked down.

"Is everything alright, Anna?" Nick saw me, and worriedly asked.

"It's just that… I know this may sound silly, but I don't want to go home."

Not a word was drawn from him. Instead, he placed a finger on my tear, and gently wiped it from my cheek, slowly. Unaware of my movements and unable to control my urge, I took his wrist and put his entire palm onto my cheek. He didn't draw back. On the contrary, he let it stay their, feeling the curves of my face and my chin. At last, we broke apart. We stood up, and started roving the starlit corridors, perhaps to find a piece of the sky. It seemed so easy there, when we were all alone, to pour out my feelings in one hurried but heartfelt dialogue, then to abandon all sense and drop my defenses. But I had to stay rational.

Here I was, fantasizing about someone I just met at a party who's already taken. Theoretically, it was still possible for me to marry richly and live in a lifestyle of splendor. Two inheritances pooled together could provide with nothing else to ask for. From what I had heard about Mr. Carraway, he was probably dirt poor, and falling in love with him wouldn't be practical. I didn't know his business, we had no mutual connections, he had no ties with any powerful figures, the list went on and on.

Most importantly, five minutes were up.

"I have to leave now, Nick. I'll see you at the next party, I presume?" Sadness was hurting me so much, and I didn't know why. Perhaps it was because I wanted to erase Nick from my life. I didn't want to forget anything. I wanted to experience meeting him all over again. I didn't value the time I had, and now it was all gone. I wished I could relive those few moments. I would always remember the man who opened my eyes. There would be a space in my heart. I'd been so happy, forgetting about everything, but I had to return to reality. He said goodbye to me. I also said goodbye to him. Tears actually filled my eyes.

He didn't know that maybe he was saying goodbye to me for the last time.

"I hope we meet again, Anna." He let my heart flutter, but I forced down its wings. I stood at the stairs, watching him ascend. Maybe there was still a way for us. Then, the tables turned, and what was right seemed wrong and what was wrong seemed write. I think that was what killed him. That moment.


	5. Just A Girl Who Cannot Know

I thought that when I first saw him, I wa floating on a cloud and falling through mist trying to grasp my emotions. I didn't know that there could be anything stronger than my turmoil. I was wrong.

Not believing my eyes, I skipped up the stairs to get a better look. A handsome young man turned around, and grinned at Nick.

"You see, I'm Gatsby." I quickly covered my mouth with my hands, and almost fell backwards. So that was the elusive Gatsby! He was merely a person! With all the rumors, my mind had concocted an image I couldn't even make sense of, one that escaped beyond the boundaries of life. It hit me hard that he was nothing but a man. Yet he had so much power in his hands. When he first came, the papers blew up with news about his fortune, and we all speculated. Nowadays, you could get anything with money. And he did. He brought himself fame, success, maybe love… there was just something about him that seemed familiar. I realized all this later though. Now, there was only one thought on my mind, one that haunted me. Nick's smile.

Unlike the usual warmth he had, his expression turned into mines. Frozen in a fragment of time. A mixture of amazement, curious naïveté, and dreams. He gazed at Gatsby as if he was a painting or a statue in a museum, with wonder and awe. He didn't even blink as he stood there, with his complete attention on Gatsby. Gatsby raised up his glass, and beamed at Nick. They stayed locked in that agonizing moment as I stood still and horrified. My future, before the party so certain, was now a storm. I blamed Nick for falling. I blamed Gatsby for his charisma. I blamed my mother for her rules. I blamed Lily for her expectations. But most of all, I blamed myself. For not savoring the grain of joy I could have had.

What if I just kissed him? I didn't care what he would think. I didn't care if he, society would shun me forever. Because then at least I could die happy tonight. Just one kiss could have saved my heart. And after that, he could rip it, tread on it, insult me, kill me with his words, but I would be content. As long as I slept in his embrace at last.

I could weep. I could find rain inside the storm and let it pour out. But I refused to let it. Even if I was dying, I had to be a beautiful little fool. Society wanted a beautiful little fool. To the hell with those who felt! Dispel their meaning! Take them and keep them from our fools! De-life their lives! Steal their souls! Until we have what we want! We won't stop executing, assassinating, murdering!

My mind flew apart because for the first time in years, I allowed anger and jealousy to take ahold of me.

"Welcome to love, darling." I raged silently as Lily patted my head loftily.

"It's called unrequited love, Anna darling, and get used to it. Why, I've dated upwards of 6 men before that have cheated on me! They weren't in the right mind!"

"Not everything is about you! Please, help me! Fine, I admit it! Okay? You were right! About love! Everything!"

"Calm down, girl! You have no experience! Sob all you want, do something!"

"You have no feelings! At all! You've gotten used to-

"Exactly. I'm used to it all so I won't have to suffer! Here's my advice. Show him that you don't appreciate him stealing your friend with benefits!"

I was a second from killing her before I realized what she was talking about. I picked up a champagne flute, and hurled the tiny glass vessel against the wall, and watched it shatter and fly backwards into a thousand light pieces that resembled the texture of liquid. All eyes turned to me. The whispers and rumors would start soon, I thought. Then, regarding me as drunk, they turned back to their conversations, and my cheeks flushed. Quickly, Gatsby ran over to me.

"Is everything alright, Miss?" I was stunned to find that he wasn't pretending, but had a real kindness.

"I'm fine. Parties usually get me excited." I answered with a flat and simple tone, concisely.

"If you need anything, ask me. We have many ways to meet your needs." It was chilling how much he cared about everyone.

"Thank you for caring." It came out not how I expected. I was bitter instead of the grateful airhead. He hesitated, waiting for me to say something, then walked away. He looked back, but continued walking. He could see through my cover anyways. That I was breaking.

Now, looking back, I should have thought to Nick. Maybe then I wouldn't be at his grave holding a rose. Complain all you want to me, for telling what has happened through the years, but I'll keep on telling. It's my life that is a tangled mess, not yours. I completely give up, and you should too.

And I stand in the snow, unsure. What I should do next. But that's another story. I'm just, I think, regretful.

But back to my breaking. Like a flower facing the real environment for the first time, I didn't know that weather was normal. Other flowers had grown used to harsh weather and had probably been more brave than me, but I noticed nothing and refused to notice anything. I thought it was the world conspiracy against me. I wanted to flee from myself. To reinvent myself as not Anna Ruby, but a sophisticated, cynical, and beautiful woman. Everything that I wasn't. If Gatsby had looked back again, maybe he would have gotten scared because of the grim determination I wore. I didn't know what the future would be, what I was going to do. But whatever it was, it began with change. Drastic change.


	6. In the Rain

Chapter Six

Filled with embarrassment, I hurried out of the lobby, grabbing a thin shawl that I had brought just I case, and pulled it tightly around my shoulders. As I went, hairpins fell out of my hairdo, including a flower clip.

"Anna! Don't forget your clips! I still need them!" Lily grabbed it from the floor, and threw it at me. I let it hit my back and slide off, then quickened my pace.

"Leave me alone! Now where did you park the car?" The warm air hit me hard, and nearly suffocated me. I turned my head in all directions for our car, but I couldn't see anything. Just then, I felt a drop of warm liquid on my arm, and looked to the dark sky. Many raindrops started falling down, first small ones, then bigger and bigger, until I was completely soaked. By then, I didn't care what was going to happen that night anymore. It was all over already. My watch read 3:46, which meant that five and a half hours had passed, but it felt like twenty four hours. It couldn't be that short of a time frame. I flung my gold watch down onto the pavement, and little spider webs formed in the glass.

I didn't try to do anything. I simply ripped off my shawl, let it fall away with the wind, found a tree, and fell under it. All my resolve was lost. That determination that had seconds ago sort out my feelings was slipping away, and the frustration returned stronger than ever.

A debutante should be graceful and achieved, with many skills to speak of. She should be able to maneuver with careful diplomacy out of any situation while still being polite, ladylike, and even amiable. Times had changed, though. I was caught between the two frames, not mastering any of them. I couldn't be sweet, but I couldn't be confident.

Remaining half in denial with myself concerning my feelings about Nick, I buried my face in my palms. What happened to the determination? He was going to see me as who I really was. I didn't know what that meant anymore. Was there another, perfect Anna hiding underneath me? Or was there all my insecurities? I wanted to go back into the party. To apologize for my behavior to Gatsby, and to stun Nick. But no amount of steps could bring me there. If I arrived back at the doorstep, I wouldn't have the courage to knock. So I remained where I was.

Something told me that I could change the situation. But I blissfully ignored that voice. It was better to believe that it wasn't my fault. Was it my fault for falling in love with Nick? Was it my fault that he would never feel the same way? I stood up. Tripping over countless pebbles, I came back to the palace of lights, and weakly stumbled in with all my strength. Because whatever it was, I couldn't lie to myself.

Years later, I still maintain the same principle. Even after his death, I still won't lie to myself. He was honest. It was what he would have wanted. But my plan didn't involve lying to myself. Lying beside his gravestone, I convinced myself that I knew the plan all along.

"Miss, please tell me how I can be of service to you. You seem to have lost your shawl and your watch. Would you be so kind as to write down your address? It would be quite simple to order a replacement." Gatsby helped me in, handing me a glass of cordial.

I didn't know how to respond. What would someone sophisticated say? I was at a loss for phrases, and stammered:

"Oh, that old thing? I haven't worn it in years. I brought it tonight just to lose it somewhere! It's been lying in my closet since forever!"

He seemed satisfied at my response, and went away.

"You have gotten me a little worried, Anna." Nick came down the stairs, and I nearly squealed. Nick, worried about me?

"Here, have some cold fried chicken." With my social awkwardness, I thrusted him a plate, and almost fell over.

"Thank you, but I'm fine. Where were you?"

"Oh, no where really important. I needed some fresh air."

"It does get very humid here."

Was weather all people talked about? What did they talk about? Was it planned? Staged? Rehearsed? How did they carry a conversation? More importantly, how did they carry a conversation with someone they were crazily in love with?

"So, it must be thrilling to know Jordan Baker? I understand the extent of her fame."

"Nothing very special has happened yet, but she is very appealing. She's a very talented woman, and I am glad to have the pleasure of making her acquaintance."

"I see. What is your profession?"

I wondered how our conversation turned so formal, rigid, and stiff.

"I sell bonds, though I have aspired to be a novelist." Typical. I was told at an early age that the path to becoming a novelist was difficult, and that I should not pursue it.

"What about you?" Did he want to know? Should I tell him the truth?

"Well, you see… I live on a generous inheritance passed from my father, but I have attempted acting."

"This seems quite unusual for a frequenter at these parties."

"It is. But I still enjoy them, their intimacy. There isn't any intimacy at small parties."

"You sound almost identical to Jordan!" Out of all topics, this is what we turned to. I was confused, but mildly irritated.

"Has someone summoned me?" Out of nowhere, Jordan Baker popped out, looking the exact same as ever, with no hint of weariness. Even her outfit and hair remained untouched.

"I was just saying to Anna how much she sounded like you! So how did the conversation with Mr. Gatsby go?"

"Yes, the conversation! I just heard the most amazing thing! Of course, I wouldn't be able to tell. But it all makes sense!"

She sharply spun to me.

"Anna, Gatsby was the officer!"

Lines and neon colors started flashing before my eyes. I was seeing new connections form this very second, happening so fast. My world was spinning. Gatsby and Daisy and Nick and Jordan and me, Anna… Anna Ruby… Anna Carraway… Ms. Carraway…

Then it all went dark.


	7. Nothing More

When I woke up, the pale moonlight was streaming through my curtains, which were fluttering ominously but calmingly. I could remember everything clearly in my head, which was unfortunate. Why did I have to? I wanted to get temporary amnesia so I could forget, so I could maybe get on with my life like nothing had ever happened. It's the same thing I wish for now.

I was someone back in my house, so I came to the conclusion that I must have fainted and that Lily had taken me home. I was grateful, but at the same time very embarrassed, like how I had been for the past six hours. I was still wearing my dress, and headdress, and everything else, which was suprisingly uncrumpled. Not wanting to go back to sleep, I stepped down from my bed and gently walked across the room. Right away, I realized that something was wrong. The room had an airy quality, as if with a stronger step, everything would tumble apart. Then where would I be? I tried to ignore the thought.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door, and debated with myself wether to open it or not. Curiosity got the better of me, and taking a deep breath, I slid down the banister of the stairs, which were unusually smooth, and pushed open the doorframe which creaked slightly. In the pouring rain, there was-

"Nick?" I quickly decomposed my spirits and tried again.

"To what do I owe this visit?" I wanted to ask him how he knew where I lived, but that was not my pressing concern.

"Do you have a moment, Anna? I'd like to discuss something with you." It occurred to me that he didn't sound like himself, but I still remained blissfully oblivious.

"Why yes, of course. Is it urgent?"

"Yes. If I delay any longer, there will be serious misunderstandings."

I tried to hide my smile. Could it be that…

"Well then, you are welcome to come in." I corrected my posture, stood slightly on my toes, and strutted into the living room, flicking on the small light and lighting a few candles.

"I apologize for the lack of lighting." I realized that now was a perfect time to put in a good word for myself.

"I had to spend my inheritance on more sensible matters," I said, choosing my words with care.

"I won't have to stay long." Nick turned away from me, and I attempted to catch his faraway gaze again, but he didn't look back.

"You see, this is something I must say to get worries out of the way."

"Will you please explain?"

"Jordan has been suspecting some things…"

My thoughts were true? He did love me?

"Suspecting what?" I forgot my manners and leaned closer to him.

"Why, of course, our relationship!"

"She did remark about a chemistry between us. I presume she views as as very close friends?"

He looked at me for the first time since he entered the room, sadly with an air of melancholic nostalgia.

"You'll never understand, Anna. There are many things you don't know."

"I agree. But will you cease being vague?" I knew I was being rude, but if he loved me, he wouldn't care at all.

"Promise me something."

"Yes?"

"I hope that this won't change anything, and that you'll take it calmly."

"Won't change anything? I'm expecting drastic change at any moment!"

"But please, take it calmly."

"You know me, Nick. I'm overdramatic. Does it matter that much?"

"I don't want you to worry or hope. Nothing will change."

"From what you've been saying, it's a very important issue!"

"Anna, it is a very important issue! But, really, it changes nothing!"

"Oh, Nick, tell me! I can't take a moment of waiting anymore!"

"Okay." He was silent, then started speaking slowly.

"You've been under the impression that I loved you, Anna."

"You knew all along, Nick?"

He ignored me.

"However- I don't know how to say this, Anna. I'm dating Jordan, and she has my feelings. I'd like to tell you that there was never anything between us."

"No! I'm dedicated to you, Nick. I'd do anything for you!"

"We're different. You know that you'd never be happy with me.

"You know you love me! You have to! Jordan doesn't care about you at all!"

"She does, Anna! She does! More than you will ever see! You don't understand Jordan!"

"Nick, stop denying it! Kiss me and we can be together forever!"

"Anna, don't make me tell you!"

"Tell me what? That you love me? Tell me! I want to hear that more than anything!"

"Alright! I love you, Anna! Now let's forget this ever happened!"

"You do love me! Tell me that you'll give up Jordan! That we'll start a new life together!"

"Stop lying to yourself! Let there be some respect that remains between us!"

"Respect? Does that matter to me? I threw a champagne flute at the party!"

"It's not all about you, Anna!"

"If you cared about yourself, you would have proposed to me by now!"

"You're being selfish! Why would I want to propose to a 'lady' like you?"

"Nick, don't do this!"

"Don't be upset, that's all I ask of you!"

"Prove to me that you don't love me!"

"What would that do for you?"

"You can't prove it!"

"Yes, I can. And I will."

"Then do it!"

"Jordan?"

Jordan Baker appeared out of nowhere again, this time nearly glowing.

"You called, Nick?"

"Tell Anna!"

"Nick and I are dating." Then, she turned to Nick again."

"Why does that matter?"

Almost forcibly, he took Jordan's hand.

"Oh, Anna, if only there was someone out there who loved you…"

Then, they disappeared. I heard tinkling, and looked up. The only chandelier in the entire house, with bejeweled decorations, slowly wobbled. Then, faster. And faster. And faster. And came crashing down.

"Help!" I screamed in the darkness as all the candles extinguished.

"Please, somebody, help!"

The last thing I saw flashing before me were Nick's eyes.


	8. And Yet I Wish I Could

Chapter Eight:

I expected to feel the impact of the chandelier crashing down and bursting into flames. Instead, everything turned darker and darker as the shadows I saw disappeared as well, and Nick slowly faded from my vision. His eyes turned fainter and fainter until I couldn't see them at all, and darkness was the only thing that filled me. I desperately tried to cling to him, but he was slipping away further and further. Then, a flash of light appeared in my eyes, and quickly weakened, still staying. It momentarily blinded me and I felt a sharp stinging pain in my eyes, making me cry out loud. The light was so close that it felt like it could capture me, and shapes and swirls surrounded it.

"Help! Get me out of here!" I shrieked, scared. Strangely, the floor wasn't hard or cold. It was soft and warm, and felt like cotton against my skin. I had braced myself for the impact of my body hitting the ground, but it never came. Wanting to escape, I waved my arm wildly in the air, and felt nothing. I sat straight up with a sudden strength, forced open my eyes, and gulped. Then, I slowly relaxed as I realized that I was in my room, and that there was merely sunlight streaming though my curtains. Everything felt normal. But I knew that it wasn't, and probably would never be again.

"Miss, do you require any assistance?" One of my servants ran into the room.

"Yes- no- I think I'll be fine. Thank you though." My mine was a total mess.

"Are you sure?" He remained hesitant and lingered at the door.

"Actually, has there been anyone called Nick Carraway visiting?"

"Not that I know of, Miss." I breathed a sigh of relief.

"And is the chandelier still in working order?" I asked the questions nervously, even though I knew the answer.

"I've checked this morning, and as of now, it is."

"Perfect. I will be gone for the day, so have dinner prepared by the time I return. I would prefer something simple." I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew that I had to get out of the house to relax.

"Are you expecting any visitors?" He prepared to leave. I thought for a second. Was I? I usually liked visitors. I would also benefit from a chance to build my social circle, which consisted mainly of Lily and some other friends.

"Yes, I am. Please set the table for at least one other person." I could invite anyone over. And if all else failed, I could just invite Lily. Even though it would be a very uncomfortable situation.

I wanted to take a walk. Maybe catch up with Daisy? Jordan? Or maybe even Nick? I was going to explore my new connections a bit more.

Soon, I was ready to go outside. I was wearing a loose skirt and a wide rimmed hat with a silk ribbon, and for an unknown reason, white high heels. I didn't want to take the car, but I still drove it to the edge of Gatsby's house, since I was a little scared of it, something I didn't want to admit. I knew that I was going to try and find Nick, and that I couldn't stop myself.

I made my way through the tall trees and started walking on the stone road. I probably didn't have to worry about any other cars, since the spot was secluded. All I hoped was that Nick was home. The trees stretched into the thick air with lush green leaves forming a canopy that sunlight could hardly stream through. The environment was still enjoyable, though. Along the sides of the road, grass and soil filled the area freely with the liberty that many plants craved to enjoy. It felt like an ideal living space, away from al, The hectic business of everything. However, I knew how irritating it must be to have to endure Gatsby's parties right next door.

Speaking of which… I was lost? No, it couldn't be. I could see my car. But where was Nick's house? Should I visit there? I wasn't physically lost, but I was mentally lost.

I had to do it though. If I loved Nick. If I truly loved him, nothing would get it my way. I could do anything for him. After all, wasn't that what I kept telling myself! I took off my high heels, and left them beside a tree. Not considering how foolish that was, I ran along the road with my eyes closed and the wind rushing in my hair, propelling me forward with a strong but gentle motion. I wish I could say that it was exactly like how a movie would play out. However, I soon tripped on a tiny stone, and fell over. It was fine though. Anything for Nick! Wasn't that how I was supposed to think?

I doubted it for a while. It was becoming an obsession. No doubt Lily would tell me to snap out of it. I knew how to snap out of it. But I refused to. Why would I want to? He was giving me a motive for everything, a reason to push myself harder. I couldn't snap out of it, at least not for a while.

Yet now, I wish I could. Now, I can't forget even if try. And that's bound to do something to me. I wish I could know what.

Please, Nick's house. Please appear before I run out of breath, I thought to myself. But in reality, no wishes come true. Finally, I was so tired that I ran back to my car, picking up my high heels along the way, and just drove. I must have been running at a very slow pace, since after merely 7 seconds of driving, I saw the form of a small house appear. Not caring whoes it was, I parked my car messily and dove out of the vehicle to bang on the door. Just my luck, there was no one home. I knew that it must belong to Nick, since I could see the roof of Gatsby's mansion across the trees. But where could he possibly be? An idea crossed my mind:

Gatsby? Could it be? I knew that Nick was dating Jordan. But from the look that was in his eyes, I knew that he loved Gatsby. He doesn't actually love Jordan!? Was he lying to himself? I could never know. But if he loved Gatsby as much as I loved him, I didn't know what could happen. Maybe he was with Gatsby? I had probably faded from his head already.

Discouraged and disheartened, I collapsed beside his porch, and without a sound, silently waited.

I watched the sun go around the sky. At noon, it was a ball of fire and I had to shield myself from the heat. In the afternoon, it got chilly, and I used my hat to shield myself from the cold. Behind a tree the sun set down in the most mediocre sunset ever, without color, without passion. The gleaming moonlight came out and projected its magic onto the porch. I felt like a statue observing the rise and fall of humanity.

"Anna?" A voice shocked me out of my stupor.

"Yes? Who is this?"

"Nick Carraway, from the party. Do you remember me?"

"Of course. Please forgive me for intruding."

"Apology accepted. But what are you doing here?" I couldn't see him, but I swooned at the memory of his smile.

"I wanted to visit you this morning, but you weren't home."

"And you waited all this time?" I blushed.

"Well- you see- um- yes. I wanted to ask- to ask- to ask if I could invite you over for dinner tomorrow?" I wished I could redo that moment. He paused, and I started sweating. What would he say?

"I'd be delighted to."


	9. Thanks To You

I snuck glances at my compact mirror studded with a detailed but unwieldy ruby as I sat on a glass chair, overseeing the cooking.

"I think there needs to be more salad, and wait- no- it's fine. Stop! That's too much lemon bits in the cake! Quickly add some more sugar!" I pointed left and right, flustered.

"Stay calm, Anna!" Lily gave me a gentle shove.

"The only reason I let you come was so that you could help me decide on my outfit, not so you could annoy me! Stay calm?" Flustered, I rose from my chair and stomped down the hall in silver high heels to the bathroom. Flinging open the door, I brushed my hair yet again.

"Is my hair straight enough? Did I wash it enough times?" I said to no one in particular.

"Um, yes? You've been asking me the same thing all afternoon! What time is he coming?"

"At about six thirty. Listen, you still have to help me! Pick another outfit! I don't think he'll like his one!"

"Don't you trust my solid judgment, Anna?"

"I don't care about your judgment at this moment!" I came out of the bathroom and hurried up the stairs to my closet. I started throwing to the ground elaborate gowns and dresses that I wore approximately every five years, disliking each of them. Soon, on the floor lay a pile of glittery, expensive, and trendy garments that I hardly even looked at.

"There- has- to- be- something…" I searched through all the boxes I had.

At six thirty, I heard a knock on my door as I fidgeted while I waited, mumbling greetings.

"NickI'msohappyyouarrivedhellowelcomeinside!" I squealed as I stepped aside for him to go in.

"Anna! You look… good! Glad to see you!"

"Thank you. I must confess that I do have a penchant for compliments."

After decades of searching, I came across a box of dresses my mom had left for me when I was eighteen. I had argued with Lily about which one would suit me more. I wanted a simple and short black dress with tights, but she forced me to put on a long, flowing gown that covered the ground with black silk. It had straps, and on the upper half, was covered with a silver and gold beaded design. At the waist, there was a strip with gold and silver alternating arrows and a silver diamond design in the middle. Then, there were two gold shells embroideries, with silver strings trailing off. I put on a simple cherry blossom shaded lipstick, but covered my eyelashes with dark eyeliner.

I led him to the dining room, where I had illuminated the the table with all my candles.

"I apologize for the lack of lighting…" I had a sense of déjà-vu, and it was making me feel queasy.

"I had to spend my inheritance on more sensible matters."

"You see, this is something I have to say to get worries out of the way."

"Will you please explain?" I found myself repeating mechanically.

I felt like time had stopped and tension was making the atmosphere unbearable. I couldn't move, as much as I wanted to run away, I wa frozen in place and my mind was frozen as well. I could feels his eyes intently looking into mine's as my palms closed together and I tried to lean Nadia but I couldn't. In my urge to escape, my elbow knocked over the edge of the tablecloth and part of it fell to the floor. My breathing was rushed, unnatural. The candle near me extinguished, and the room instantly grew darker. I could only see part of his face. There was nothing but us at that moment. I was going to accept whatever he had to say next.

"Are you sure you were fine at the party? I was really worried." All the air went rushing out of me.

"Yes, I was, I can assure you. I was a little upset, but nothing of consequence."

"That is fortunate." Just then, the salmon mousse on sliced bread came.

"I hope you enjoy everything, I organized the menu myself." I shyly and wistfully smiled at him.

"You didn't have to, Anna!" The tension between us relaxed.

"I enjoy cooking sometimes. It can be very interesting, even if it's very difficult."

"I've never really thought about it. I have someone to cook breakfast for me. I've recently moved here."

"Really! Welcome, then! Are you content here? Is it tiring living next to Gatsby?"

"Actually, not really. I can look at the party through my window."

"And did you like going to the party?"

"It was a bit too chaotic for me, but yes." I liked having a normal conversation with him, but there was something I needed to know.

"Does your cousin Daisy know Gatsby personally?"

"No, I don't think so. Do you know Daisy?" He seemed confused by my questions, so I dropped the subject.

"Yes. I saw her before, at a party at her house. I'd like to know more about her."

"She's a very charming girl, and she's married to Tom Buchanan with a daughter called Pammy. They live in the East Egg and are very wealthy. I used to know Tom when I was at Yale."

"Are they living well?"

"Yes, she's very fortunate and happy. But Tom has a mistress in the Valley of Ashes."

"Valley of Ashes? Is that a landmark?"

"The wasteland between West Egg and New York City."

"Well, then, how is Daisy fortunate?"

"Well, it probably doesn't affect her. However, she's told me that she's had a bad time and that she was pretty cynical about everything."

"I feel sorry for Daisy. It must be hard for her. I wish her the best. I used to despise her, but this changes everything. She's had many suitors, and many girls have thought that she was stealing them."

"Sounds like Daisy." We laughed, and I gazed at him, smiling.

"Anna, are you going to finish your salad?" I noticed that I hadn't taken a single bite, and that the Caesar salad, plate of meatballs, mashed potatoes, and pastry pigs had been served already.

"I think I made too much food…" Along came the lemon cakes and tiramisu. "Good thing the lemon cakes can be preserved for a few days."

"Well, if I need any cake, I'll definitely call you!"

"Thanks, Nick. Can you also take half of the tiramisu?"

"Okay. I'm presuming you know where I live?"

"Why?"

"You can visit me anytime." I nearly jumped up and down and shouted like a giggly and immature schoolgirl.

"So this means we have a healthy relationship? Oh, I'm so sorry, that came out the wrong way… I'm so sorry. I apologize dearly. No, sincerely. No. Wait what?"

"You're very sweet, Anna. We're on good terms."

"I admit, the only other friend I have is Lily. I'm desperate to meet new people." I wanted to give myself a reward. Now he wouldn't suspect a thing!

"I'm sure you can find more friends quickly. You're a very nice person."

"Who doesn't interact with anyone else."

"That's not necessarily a fault!"

"I give up. I can't argue against that. Let's talk about anything else."

"If you say so, Anna. I like the arrangement of candles you have. Is it always like this?" The rest of the evening passed very amiably. We talked about everything, and I slowly felt more and more comfortable, yet more and more in love.

Two days later, I received a phone call. I picked it up, half asleep as the rain poured outside wetting my windows.

"Anna, I need that lemon cake and tiramisu now! You can come over."


	10. Every Word That He Says

"You were right, Anna! Gatsby… and Daisy!" I was at Nick's house and the rain was stronger than ever. We were in the living room, and the cakes were sitting on a shelf in the kitchen. I had been there for about half an hour, and we were more relaxed, no, I was more relaxed around him than I had ever hoped to be.

"So, Jordan finally told you? I'm sorry I couldn't, I wanted to keep it a secret." I laughed and tried to toss my hair, failing miserably.

"Anna, is it right to do this? I hardly know Gatsby, and Daisy's my cousin!" He looked a little worried, and I didn't know the answer either. I secretly smirked at him saying that he hardly knew Gatsby. But it was a valid question. I decided to say how I felt.

"Do you want my honest opinion even if it goes against yours?" I said it like a trivial matter. To be honest, I was terrified. Terrified that he would see my weaknesses through my opinions, terrified he would hate me.

"Well, I try to reserve all judgement." I slowly started letting go of my reserved manner.

"From what you've said, Daisy isn't having a very happy relationship with Tom. And she must really love Gatsby to wait for him for a long time. However, she had to marry someone rich to keep her life going and keep up her family's reputation. Gatsby must also really love her to build all his fortune for her. We can see if she still loves him today, then we can possibly make both of them happier." I kind of stuttered, but I was satisfied that I hadn't panicked and froze.

"Thank you, Anna. You have a logical mind."

"I'm just speaking from experience."

"Oh! Are you engaged?" He was taken aback, and I felt a certain pride that he was shocked. Maybe even jealous? No, couldn't be. Nick wasn't that type of person. It was just my imagination.

"No. It's just what my mother told me. I shouldn't say I was speaking from experience." I scolded myself inside my head and told myself to regain confidence.

"Then again, maybe it makes sense somehow." That wasn't how I was supposed to regain confidence!

"I'm glad I didn't have to tell you not to undermine yourself, Anna." Then again, maybe it was.

"I'm slowly improving as I advance into society! Wait, did I say that out loud?" I covered my mouth, then burst out laughing, then covered my mouth again, but laughed so hard that I fell off of the sofa. I couldn't stop laughing, even though I kind of hated myself for it.

"You're the most dramatic person I know. In a good way!" He was trying to suppress a grin as well. Meanwhile, I clutched to the edge of a table and tried to stand up. The table toppled over, and I laughed even harder. A kettle of tea spilled on to the floor, onto my dress, and I gasped.

"This is when it should stop being funny…" I continued laughing though, even though there was a tea stain on my new dress. It was a tight black dress covered fully with indigo threads that trailed off after the dress ended. To compliment the outfit, I had on a bracelet that was magenta with a hint of black and sprinkled with white but mixed with sapphire blue then tinted. In my hair there was a white, azure, and indigo swirled flower on the side of my head. My hair was put up in a side bun that was casual yet considered quite pretty.

The flower fell off and landed inside the tea, and my hairdo fell apart as well. I finally stopped, and came to my feet.

"Well, I guess I'll have to go make more tea."

"Do you mind? I can go make some more. Actually, that would be better.

You can stay here."

"No, I insist. I'll enjoy another chance to cook. My servants almost always insist that I never cook. I hardly get a chance. Making tea doesn't count as cooking, but I want to see if what I make is still edible!" Wiping my dress with the back of my hand, I went to the kitchen.

"Nick, do you still want the tiramisu? It's in very bad shape…"

"Don't throw it away! It can't be that bad!" He came over to look with me.

"The cream is getting stale, the powder is stuck, it's a little sour… there's a lot of things wrong with it! I'm throwing it away." I dumped the contents into the trash and put the bowl into the sink, starting to wash it. The water washed out all the remains down the drain, and I wiped the bowl, putting it away.

"Remind me. Why am I here again? Other than the fact that everyone loves me?"

"Gatsby's having tea with Daisy. He wants to meet her after the five years."

"Yes. Daisy and- " I was interrupted by the honking of cars outside. Nick rushed out, and I followed him.

"So, do you want me to stay?" I gestured to the door.

"Actually, would it be a bother to- nevermind, it's raining."

"Yes?"

"Can you wait outside for me? I'll take a moment, but I'll be leaving Gatsby and Daisy to give them a little privacy."

"Of course. I rather I like the rain. It's very calming." Nick didn't want me to leave? He didn't want me to leave! He didn't want me to leave!

But did he? The question still haunts me today. The rose on his grave slowly decays, but I know he's still there. I can feel him in my dreams. Only one decision remains.

I would gladly head out into the rain for Nick Carraway. I would go anywhere. Of course I would head out that day. I almost eagerly went, and took cover beside a tree. The time passed quickly, as thoughts of Nick filled my mind every second. He came out to the same tree.

"Thank you for keeping me company, Anna. It will get a little lonely by myself."

"I don't like being lonely. Which is why I always put up with Lily. I kind of have to." That was the first secret I told to Nick that I had never told anyone else. It wasn't the last.

"I understand that. But with you and Jordan, I'm fine." Of course. Jordan. She hadn't been forgotten. What was I to think that he would just leave her for me?

"I'm honored." Conceal, don't feel, don't let it show!

"You're not corrupted by society yet."

"Is that your idea of a compliment? Try harder, Mr. Carraway." I teased him.

"I'm trying to be completely honest. Would you rather have me tell you that you're perfect?"

"So that isn't true?" I was smiling so wide that I looked silly, but I was happy.

"Fair point." The rain was drowned out now.

Nick was the first friend I made who I made. Lily had taken me as her friend because of her bubbly personality and how she thought I was too shy when I first moved. And Nick?

I hoped that despite everything, our friendship could last. And if even one day, I confessed my feelings to him and he didn't return them, I hoped that nothing could change and that he wouldn't see me any differently. I would still want to be with him, even if we were just friends.

After we talked and talked, laughing and sometimes debating or just thinking in silence, he went in. A moment later he came out again.

"Do you want to come to Gatsby's mansion with us? He's taking Daisy on a tour and wants me to come."

"Are you sure, Nick? Would he like me?" Say yes, say yes! My heart screamed.

"He'd be charmed by you."

"But are you sure?" I was still hesitant. Would he agree? Did he want me to go? Was it just manners?

"I'm sure. Let's go, Anna." Then he stretched out his hand. My breathing nearly stopped as everything froze and my heart raced. It jumped up and down and sang happier than it had ever sang before.

I took his hand.


	11. Never Enough

I felt like I was floating because of my exhilaration as I walked beside Nick. I didn't care if he liked me or not. This was the way it always should be. I didn't speak, just felt his hand against mine, and relaxed in the afternoon light. The rain had stopped and the sun had come out, illuminating his expression. Warmth. That was what I felt.

The moment could probably never be repeated. The light came from all corners and everywhere everything would be the same state of euphoria. I didn't want to return back to my home, where cold, unknown, and inanimate objects filled empty space. Nick could enchant all those objects and make them dance, and I would never grow bored. I wanted to see the world anew with him and things I once detested would hold endless wonder.

"The weather's great this afternoon!" Nick turned to me, and I was startled. I broke out of my daydreams.

"Yes, the weather. Weather's great. Weather. What were we talking about? I'm so sorry for my short attention span." What was I trying to do?

"The weather? Would you prefer it if we discussed something else?"

"Well, we don't have to. But maybe yes. But if you want to. But you can change it. You don't have to though. Do you want to?" I gritted my teeth and hoped for a reply.

"Let's go tell Gatsby that you're coming." He ignored my rambling, and led me to Gatsby.

"This is Anna Ruby. You might remember her from-"

"Shhh! Don't tell him! This is embarrassing!"

"-the party the other day. I recall she broke the champagne flute?"

"Oh no!" I buried my face in my hands and cringed.

"I'm so sorry about that incident, I wasn't thinking right that night. I'm really sorry, and I don't mind if you never invite me again, and wait- I was never invited in the first place! Then I'm even more sorry and I hope I haven't damaged your property and I'm complete fine with paying you back for what I broke and should I stop now?" I groaned. Why did it have to be so hard talking to others?

"It's fine, Anna. Hello again." He was so calm that I lost some of my rushed thoughts as well.

"Daisy darling, this is Anna Ruby."

Daisy looked different from before. Her lush curly tresses that bounced down her back were now a short and sophisticated bob cut. She was wearing a tight and glittery lilac dress with petal like fringe at the bottom and flowery straps. She was striking and at the same time still had some of her gentle features.

"I believe we've met before at a party at your house? It's a little faint in my memory." I greeted her after five years without even saying hello.

"Of course, Anna! I'm so glad you're here. There's no one in the world I've wanted to see as much as you!" Her enthusiasm frightened me, and I stiffly smiled.

"It's nice to see you as well. Nick tells me that you're married to Tom Buchanan now?" Beside Daisy, Gatsby wore an uncomfortable expression. Of course.

"Yes. I'll have to show you my daughter, Pammy, one day. She's absolutely delightful!" She was being insincere like a fake flower, pleasing, but unreal.

"I'm sure of it." I watched Daisy go back to Gatsby, and I went back to Nick.

I had to say something interesting, or risk having his attention slip away. I searched my past for something interesting.

"My name's not Anna." I burst out the first thing I could think of.

"It's not?"

"My full name is Annabeth. I prefer Anna though. I feel like Annabeth doesn't sound like a name for me. It sounds like a name for someone wise and independent. Not that I'm not. You know what? I don't feel like I'm fit to speak today." I closed my mouth before I could babble any longer.

"Are you sure you still want me to come? I don't want to confuse anyone. Actually, I think I'll refrain from going." I desperately wanted to go, but I didn't want to annoy Nick with my ranting. I could sacrifice my happieness for his at least this time!

"Do you need me to take you back?"

"No, I think I can manage. Maybe another time? That came out wrong. Maybe we can schedule something else? I had a great time today."

He paused for a second.

"You're coming along, Anna. Don't worry. You won't confuse anyone. You can talk as much as you want."

"Do you mean it?" Like an instinct, I clasped his hand and opened wide my eyes, staring into his. I drew in a gulp of air.

"Yes! You're not obligated to, but we would prefer it if you could." I let go of his hand, and realized what I was doing. Why did I have to act I was receiving a marriage proposal?

"In that case, I'm coming." I ran ahead of everyone.

"How are we getting there?" I titled my head and looked back at them.

Minutes later, I was in the back of Gatsby's car with Nick, and I was gazing out, at Nick, and back at the scenery.

"The wind is so fresh!" I stretched out my hand, and closed my eyes.

"Not that I haven't driven before. I have. I just like it. And the wind. Especially the wind." I didn't even try to correct myself.

I blinked, and opened my eyes.

"You fell asleep, Anna!" Nick's voice roused me.

"Huh? Where am I? What's happening? Why are you here? I want you to be here but I don't. What?" I sat straight up, then fell back down.

"I think I remember. We were going to Gatsby's mansion? I've managed a complete sentence!" Without waiting for an answer, I opened the door and jumped out. I impatiently waited for Nick, Gatsby, and Daisy to arrive. Then, I grabbed Nick's hand and started walking forwards.

I stopped dead in my tracks, and gasped.


	12. Moment of Breathless Delight

Chapter Twelve: Moment Of Breathless Delight

In daytime, Gatsby's mansion was more captivating than I could have ever imagined. At night, lights twinkled throughout the window, but in the sunny afternoon, the rays of sunlight glowed in bright color and bounced off the surface creating prisms and illuminating the mansion so that it looked like a palace. Everything had a natural charm like a moment of breathless delight and endless expression with a bittersweet warmth. It felt so right and enternal, and it felt like time was moved by this single scene which it had no doubt seen before. I didn't care where else it could be replicated, it was the single moment that held my memory. It was something that I would always remember, Gatsby's mansion without the endless crowd that rampaged there, destroying its serenity. With guilt, I realized that I was part of that crowd. But I was different, maybe even unique to appreciate it during its silence. No, I wasn't.

Daisy had already skipped ahead to the fountain out of which waterdrops splashed back in after they flew in bursts, and I followed her. I spun around wildely, and nearly jumped. I spun faster and faster until I couldn't stop and I couldn't see anything. I loved, no, adored how the air was filled with purity and there was something that belonged to me, a special memory. I didn't care if Nick was watching. For that moment, Nick Carraway could hate me and k would be fine. It was just me and my feelings. How did I go through life without ever experiencing something like this? It was freeing to not be constricted by society's rigid and foolish stereotypes that advocated uniformity while limiting cultural development. What was I thinking? I really should stop. I was being way too carefree and stretching everyone's tolerance.

Suddenly, I really couldn't stop. It wasn't that I didn't want to. I really couldn't. I expected to spin for a while and come to a dizzying stop, but I didn't. The world just grew more and more distorted and everything blurred in nonsensical colors. I screamed, and felt the world grow even more confusing. I couldn't feel my legs rooted to the ground. Then, I felt an invisible force push me backwards and I was powerless against it, so I started falling. I didn't know in what position I was, but it was truly terrifying. I felt control slip away from me, and the marble circle around the fountain failed to stop me. I closed my eyes and flailed my arms trying to get up, and the next thing I knew, the tip of my hair was wet and one of my hands were already submerged inside the water.

Unexpectedly, someone caught my waist, and slowly pulled me back up to the surface. It must be Nick, I thought. I blushed madly, and turned to smile. As he pulled me up, I almost fainted with joy. Was he going to kiss me? No, he wouldn't. But I enjoyed every second of his arm around my waist, as if he could pull me into a tight embrace at any point. I completely shut my eyes and let my mind roam. Yet part of me was a little bothered by it. It was humiliating having someone, even if it was Nick, save me when everyone was watching. I would rather fall into the water than have someone think that I was vulnerable. Be grateful! I chided myself

I looked straight into the eyes of-

"Gatsby? I mean, thank you. A lot. Thanks very much. Thank you very much I mean." I stammered, caught off guard. He didn't reply, as he was gazing intently at Daisy, who was already at the door.

"You're welcome, Anna." He helped me up completely, then directed his attention to Daisy. He studied and observed her every move, and sighed at her laugh. His eyes followed her everywhere, and I wished that there was someone to look at me like that.

"Come on!" She beckoned, and turned back at Gatsby. I searched for Nick behind me, and sadly exhaled. He was staring with a dazed expression at Gatsby, and hardly noticed that I had almost fallen into the fountain. Like how Gatsby looked at Daisy, he was unaware of anything or anyone else. I blocked out Gatsby from my mind, and focused on Nick. Even though he was gazing at Gatsby, he looked perfect. Not perfect. Perfect in an imperfect way.

Nobody moved. And with horror, I realized that time had frozen again. Except this time, it was a moment of disappointment. I couldn't think like that forever. I had to stop obsessing over Nick. Or else, the moment of disappointment would be repeated.

"Nick?" I called out. I couldn't stop obsessing over him.

"Yes. Anna, are you okay? Are you hurt?" He must have noticed me somehow. Yet he didn't come to my aid.

"No, I'm fine. Gatsby caught me." I pronounced the name with a bit of contempt and scorn.

"I'm so sorry that I couldn't help. I was-"

"Don't make any excuses. It's fine." I turned away, and I didn't know if I was forgiving him or ending our friendship.

I quickly walked to where Daisy was, so Nick couldn't see the tear that slid down my cheek. I wiped it away as he approached, straightened my expression, and turned again to face him.

"Really, Nick. It's fine." I didn't want him to feel any regret. But there was part of me tempting the virtuous part of me. He deserves it! Show him that you're the one who's right for him. Make him regret everything until he comes rushing to your arms. I blocked out the voice, and managed a shaky smile.

"We'd better head inside, Anna. You look a little stirred." He took my hand again, but this time, I didn't feel a rush of jubilation. I was nonchalant, something that I regretted.

A single event couldn't end anything, depending on the importance of that event. Nick not catching me wasn't important. Yet it was hard not to feel at least a little animosity. I felt my secret slowly leaking out as I scratched further and further into my soul. The strange thing was, I didn't know my own secrets. I knew that I had some, but I didn't know precisely what they were. I just knew that I was wearing a façade that I couldn't keep up any longer. I was afraid of what lay behind it.

"Yes. Let's head inside."


End file.
